Are you getting ready to divorce a narcissist? Then you’re in for the fight of your life. Stay tuned to find out how to get ready. By the end of this video you’ll know what
kinds of tricks narcissist play in divorce, and what to do to be prepared for it. Hi, I’m Rebecca Zung, top 1% divorce attorney
and the bestselling author of the books, Negotiate Like You Matter and Breaking Free, A Step-By-Step
Divorce Guide, and I’ve helped thousands of people go from lives of drama, trauma, and
chaos to step into lives of freedom, possibility, and purpose. And I do the same thing right here with you
in these videos. So make sure you hit that subscribe button,
hit that notification bell so that you can be notified every time I upload a brand new
video. So, you know the old expression, if you fail
to plan, then you plan to fail, well, that is magnified by like a million when you’re
dealing with a narcissist in divorce. I’ve seen it many, many times, I’ve represented
them thousands of times, I’ve been on the other side of them, I’ve seen them as opposing
counsel, and I’ve actually had to deal with a couple of pesky, awful horrible narcissist
in my own life. And so I know exactly how the mind of a narcissist
works and what the psyche of a narcissist is like in the middle of a divorce. So here are a couple of the tricks that they
play in divorce, twisting everything you do or say. So every time you send them a text or an email,
or you just speak to them in person, or you communicate with them in any way, or even
if they hear about something that you’ve said, they’re going to twist it. They’re going to take the parts that they
like, they’re going to cut off other parts, they’re certainly not above cutting and pasting
parts of texts or emails to make it look like you said something, or didn’t say something,
they’ll do whatever they can to make you look bad, and then look good. Because remember, with narcissists, they have
no sense of inner value, all of their value comes from the external. They need an endless amount of what we call,
narcissistic supply, which is where they are boosting up their ego. And supply can come in the form of good things,
such as a big house or what I call positive things, a great job, being friends with the
right people, things like that. Or it can come in the form of what I call,
negative things, which is causing you to feel devalued, debased, degraded, making you squirm,
manipulating you, they get supply from that as well. And so that’s what you see happening in a
divorce. Because remember for a narcissist, you have
no value, your value when you’re in a relationship with them is just what you can do for them,
and what kind of value you can give to their endless need for supply. So once you’ve shown yourself to not want
to be in a relationship with them anymore, even if they are actually in the process of
doing the discard, then you have no value left for them anymore. So, now you’re the enemy. Because when you’re dealing with a narcissist,
you can’t just nicely walk your own direction and shake hands and just say, “Well, let’s
just let the law dictate what’s fair, and we’ll just sign something and be on our way,
and wish each other well.” It doesn’t work that way with narcissists,
with narcissists, you’re either for them or you’re against them. So that’s why they’re going to twist everything
that you do or say. The next thing that narcissists do in divorce
is obstruction. So, it’s crazy because there’ll be laws in
every state and everywhere that you have to provide certain types of financial documents
to each other, and it’s mandatory, it’s required, and they won’t provide what’s mandatory, they
won’t provide what’s required, or they might only pick and choose what they want to provide. So if they’re supposed to provide 12 months
of credit card statements, you’ll just see them provide 10 months worth, but suddenly
July is missing or September is missing, and then you have to try to go back and try to
get it, and all of this is just very frustrating. And a lot of times my clients will end up
saying to me, “How is he getting away with this? How is she getting away with this?” Well, something that I remind people all the
time is that there are no divorce fairies that just pop out in the middle of people’s
living rooms and go, “Hey, you’re not allowed to do that.” Or, “Hey, you’re supposed to provide that
document, how come you’re not doing it?” So they’re going to get away with it until
they can’t get away with it anymore. And what happens is, they will no longer get
away with it when somebody brings it in front of the judge. Because, remember, the only person who has
any power to order somebody to do something is a judge, no one else, or the police, if
you call the police because they’ve done something criminal. But when you’re talking about civil actions,
you can just push everything through the judge. So you end up filing a lot of motions, motions
to compel and motions to enforce and things like that, so that they produce the documents
that they’re supposed to produce. So, that’s number two trick that they play
is obstruction. Another thing that you’ll see narcissists
do is ignoring court orders. And that’s what I was just talking about with
ignoring laws, but they also ignore court orders. And it’s just so mind boggling sometimes because,
what I’ve seen people do sometimes is early on bill, come up with a parenting plan, or
maybe you come up with an agreement that’s signed that becomes a court order that says
you’re not supposed to introduce new, significant others to the children, and lo and behold,
there they are introducing their new girlfriends or new boyfriends to the children, and that’s
a violation of now a court order. And so you have to file a motion to get it
in enforced or ask the court to issue a show cause order as to why they shouldn’t be held
in contempt for violating that court order. But the thing with narcissist is narcissists
are street fighters, they will fight dirty, and they’ll do as much as they possibly can
that they think that they can get away with, there’s really no bar that’s too low or no
thing that’s too far. As long as they’re pretty sure that they can
get away with it, or even if they’re so sometimes arrogant about it or so distorted in their
thinking that they think that they’ll get away with things, even if they don’t necessarily
end up getting away with things. Another thing you see narcissists do is constantly
move the goalposts when you’re talking about agreements. And what I mean by this is, and listen to
me when I tell you this, do not send letters back and forth between your lawyers trying
to settle the case, you’ll never settle the case with a narcissist that way. And it ends up just being a waste of your
time and money. Because what happens is, they’ll send over
a proposal, and even if you agree to a 100% of everything they send over, by the time
you send over your agreement, they’ve already changed what the deal is. They’ll say, okay, well, you still have to
live up to everything that you just agreed that you’re going to give the other person,
but now they want more, and they’re going to give you less of whatever it was that they
were supposed to do. And it just constantly changes, constantly
changes, constantly changes, because they get supply out of making you squirm. So, while you, as a reasonable person, think
that you’re working toward a goal of resolving the case, silly, their goal is to manipulate
you and make you squirm as much as possible. So you actually don’t even have the same goals
there. So one of the things you will see them do
is constantly move that goal post, constantly change back and forth. Another thing I will tell you is, do not use
a collaborative process. Don’t use a collaborative attorney, it’s a
waste of time when it comes to dealing with narcissists in divorce. And also don’t mediate too early, you’re going
to need leverage before you go to mediation. And another thing that narcissists do as far
as tricks in divorce is they start triangulating smear campaigns, getting all their flying
monkeys lined up the people that they’re turning against you so that you feel like the world
is against you and everybody’s believing their lies. So that’s another thing that they do. And one other thing that they do is intimidation
tactics, scare tactics, try to make you think that you’re going to lose your kids, or you’re
going to have no money, or be out on the street, or that they’re going to take everything from
you. They’re going to use the court system as their
sword, they’ll use the children as pawns, things like that. I mean, as I said, there’s really no bar that’s
too low, they’ll do whatever they can to scare the crap out of you. And if you’re dealing with a narcissist in
divorce right now, and you’ve already seen them do these things, give me a totally in
the comments right now. Okay. So here’s what to do to be prepared, document,
document, document. I cannot say it enough. In your documentation, you will end up finding
your leverage, I promise. Leverage isn’t necessarily always this smoking
guy, it is usually made up of many different things, such as lots and lots of text messages,
or figuring out when they didn’t show up for the kids, and how often, and what are the
percentages, building a strategy around what kinds of leverage you have. So, that’s all actually part of my slay program,
for those of you who are familiar with my program, which is, Slay your Negotiation With
a Narcissist. And slay actually stands for having a super
strong strategy, having invincible leverage, anticipate with the narcissist is going to
do, and be two steps ahead of them, and focusing on you and your case. And so you’ve got to have this slay method
together, but the first part of you getting that method together is definitely documenting
every single thing. You can just have the notes part of your phone
open, just assuming that you’ve changed your passwords and all of that, and just keeping
track of absolutely everything. The next thing you can do, I just alluded
to, is change your passwords on everything, including all your cloud devices, anywhere
you have a login, make sure you change those passwords. The next thing that you can do to be prepared
if you haven’t filed for divorce yet is have a stash of cash available, especially if you
are the non-moneyed spouse, if it’s possible for you to have at least three months worth
of cash, until you can get to a temporary relief hearing. And nowadays, the courts are a little bit
crazy and they’re super backed up. So, who knows when you’ll even be able to
get a hearing. So you want to have at least a few months
worth of living expenses, both to live on and also to be able to hire a lawyer. The next thing you’re going to want to do
is figure out a plan. Where are you going to be living? Are you going to stay in the house? Is the other person going to stay in the house? Are you going to stay there together? If you’re going to move out, where are you
going to go? How are your expenses going to be paid? If you decide to move out, make sure that
you’re thinking about a parenting plan if you have children. You want to think about all these things ahead
of time. One of my clients who actually left a narcissistic
husband too early said that she ended up having to go back, and then he punished her and made
it worse, and it was so much worse for the next couple of years. So, the next time she left him, she got all
her ducks in a row and she knew exactly how she was going to execute it down to the latter. She actually even packed the suitcase and
walked out the door while he was sleeping in the middle of the night. And she knew exactly what hotel she was going
to, she had directed us exactly what time and where to serve him. She knew she was going to be away for at leas
two weeks after he was served, then she went and stayed with her mother. She had it all planned out ahead of time. And by the way, she had hired me ahead of
time. So that’s something else that you should be
thinking about is hiring a lawyer and getting the right lawyer, somebody who understands
narcissism, who’s going to be on your side, you’re going to feel like you have a rapport
with, and who’s going to go on the offensive for you. Because the nicey nice method when you’re
dealing with a narcissist doesn’t fly, they just see it as weakness and use it as an opportunity
to make things worse for you. And if you’re getting ready to negotiate with
a narcissist, please make sure to grab my free Crush My Negotiation prep Worksheet,
it is filled with tons of information. It’s actually like an ebook, and it’s totally
free, you can grab it at, I’ll also drop a link to that below. If you are getting ready to mediate, make
sure you check out my video on How to do Divorce Mediation with a Narcissist, and I’ll drop
a link to that below as well. If you like this video, give it a like, give
it a share, drop me a comment, let me know that you were here, make sure you hit subscribe,
hit that notification bell. And if you think that you want additional
support and you want to connect with other people who are dealing with narcissists, go
ahead and join my free private Facebook group, it’s called Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca
Zung, and I will drop a link to that below as well. I’m so glad that you stopped by here today
and that you are here. Remember that today is a great day to start
negotiating your best life. I’m Rebecca Zung, and I’ll see you in the
next video.


  1. Sure wished I had this information in January when I was totally blindsided by my husband of 13yrs and a 9yo son, telling me in a COOL CALM AND EXTREMELY COLLECTED THAT HE WANTED A DIVORCE!!! Everything she’s saying is exactly what he pulled and after 13yrs I HAD NO CLUE he was so sadistic and a narcissist!!!

  2. Wow, you just nailed it. Dealing with the worst one ever. They kill your soul. Worst life ever. It’s so scary to the core.

  3. Totally! One thing I have learnt is, NEVER trust a Narc. Only expect them to do the worst. Don’t count on fair play in a divorce. I’m seeing the ugliest side of my Narc during the negotiation period now. Thanks to all your tips and guidance, Ms Zung, I’m aware of what I’m up against🙏🏼

  4. My husband won’t give me a divorce because he says he has to much to loose! Yep. And I own nothing because he pays for everything.
    Even tho my name is on everything……His comment is : I am only on these thing as a formality!

  5. Thank you for taking your time to educated us. I am currently waiting for courts to reopen so I can continue divorcing my narc spouse of 26 yrs… he was served prior to the quarantine but we didn’t get in front of the judge before courts here shut down. This info is very helpful, and can save you a lot of money! It is quite expensive if you need to get info from the attorney. Plus, sadly some do not even comprehend what we are living with, therefore have no idea of how to negotiate for us in that regard. I believe that because of your videos (and your collaborations with Dr Ranani) I’ve saved a lot of money and frustration, simply by staying informed… you have been such a blessing to me at a time when everything seems uncertain. I urge anyone in my situation or even thinking of leaving a narc relationship, PLEASE watch & listen to Ms Zung and learn as much as you can! It’s priceless info and can seriously change the outcome of your case, and thus your life… God bless and keep sharing! ((HUGS))

  6. Constantly ignored court orders, he went as far as possible and I had to beg the lawyer to see him for what he is.. he even stopped working and sat home for 7 months!! No support, no bills paid… he manipulates everyone and everything. I’m an even better street fighter!! He should know better… I get results, even if it kills me. Right now it’s a battle of wills and he’s the school yard bully who is about to be punched out

  7. Abso-freakin-TOTALLY!!!!!!!!!
    I have been aware of what Im dealing with from a Clinical standpoint for about 5 years. I have heard many stories from others and then I have my own. Even still , it amazes me that everyone who understands this, from all over the world , says the same things about how they behave. By the way , I bought your book , and can't wait to get into it. I also beefed up my documentation efforts as I'm divorcing right now , and something very amazing happened as a result. The narcissist got caught in a lie today at a court hearing as her testimony went against what she had written and she impeached herself. Case dismissed. Now onto the big hearing in a few months. Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Want to learn more about how to divorce a narcissist? Join me on my FREE Webinar, the 3 MUST HAVE Secrets for Communicating with a Narcissist right here:

  9. Love your content, Rebecca. I know divorce is your specialty, hoping you'd consider expanding to narc fathers who turn against their adult children when the other parent (who kept the narc in line) dies. He's completely gone against mom's wishes and stolen essentially everything. Thank you for all you do!

  10. I love it when you tell people to documentation because once you do attend the court many years later even. Nobody can’t take away what they had done wrong correct again. Yes, pick your correct attorney because you can’t count on your ex’s for anything.

  11. Totally ….totally ….true
    I am going through this after 42 years of being married to a psychopathic narcissist husband 🥴

  12. Awesome suggestions for strategy. I would add to this list is to eliminate contact with the narcissist so the narcissist can't work you over with terror tactics and have all communication in writing, either via email or through the lawyer. This will give you great peace of mind and enable you to think clearly through the divorce process. It's a suggestion that lawyers should make to their clients in these types of cases. If a client shows up in a lawyer's office showing signs of fear, it means the narcissist has been working the client over already and a big red flag that the client's spouse is a narcissist.

  13. Totally….bloody nightmare…after 50/50 split…she got bitter and bitter and more bitter.
    Daughter poisoned.

    Her Mother bought an escape root they have bought a place together and are playing THE WALTONS…this was planned years ago.

  14. TOTALLY!! I am trying to get a divorce but the courts are closed due to covid-19.. Any suggestions?? Anyone Please I really need the help!! I would greatly appreciate any suggestions!! Thank you!!

  15. Totally. Im 7 years post divorce & 4 years post court action where his 10 page petition determined to take custody of our kids was denied. He tried to starve me out. Half of nothing is nothing.

  16. I left before I was ready too. After I returned, things have just deteriorated more. Thank you for sharing.

  17. Yes you are in the fight of your life, and they will lie and gaslight you the whole time. You are also right about documenting everything (the facts only), as it will eventually reveal the gap between their words and their actions. It is also helpful to insist that all communication be in writing.

  18. Totally! You described my divorce exactly the way it happened! I feel so validated watching your videos – thank you! I was one of the lucky ones – all the suggestions you made I'd done. It took four long years, but I'm on the other side and not looking back.

  19. In October 2017 I was working up to 70/80 hours a week being a provider to her and her 3 young boys. They are successful men now. She discarded me to collect her first husband's pension (Federal Employee Pension). At the same time I was terminated at my job. I rebuffed a female director's sexual advances and subsequently was falsely accused of being rude. A manager was put on record that said that I was the "least rudest person" he knew. I was down. But not our. I went to the Rutgers law library over the spring and summer of 2018. I was able to settle my divorce case, pro se', in my favor the day before we were to appear in court in August 2018 with multiple strong arguments I sent to her lawyer. I received a call saying I got everything I demanded. I also filed a lawsuit against my former employer and company director (a top dow Company, ticker symbol HD). I finally settled that case in my favor March 2020. The female director is no longer with the company. Now I'm slowly, peacefully and happily rebuilding my life. At least the 3 boys, now men, saw how a man provides and defends himself against all odds. When this all started to go down my mother said to me,"what are you going to do about it?" Normally I would have just walked away. But when my mother said asked me that question, I felt as though I was given permission to put the gloves-on and fight for myself.

  20. Dear Ms. Zung I am no lover of trolling and thank you for putting that content out there. However, it also seems to me that the word narcissist is thrown nowadays like it was bread. Some people might have another cluster B personality disorder or just be assholes. Not to mention relationships are extremely complicated and they should be dealt with the same careful complexity. Narcissism is a real thing, but sometimes people really just want to feel better and call their partner or someone else a narcissist. And that is dangerous. Nevertheless, I think this capitalist thing of making merchandise out of this, is just a bit out of taste. The whole point is to raise awareness, and foster growth. Apparently there is a huge niche for this "narcissist" trend.

    This is a very complex topic and with all due respect your explanations seem at times repetitive and over simplified. "Flying monkeys,", "Narcissitic supply" "False Self" this all sounds like a script. To anyone reading this make sure to do your research. Get help, talk to people, read, go to therapy. And keep in mind some therapists are amazing! some are horrible and don't be surprised if you stumble on a person with not so good intentions on this field. Nowadays some people charge 300 Dollars for a consultation. It's literally a great business opportunity. And this is a service that people need and not everyone can afford to pay this sums. Not to mention the irony that narcissists often target their victims financially too. And don't fall for the trap of an easy explanation. Also, same as with Corona, some people are making loads of money on this. And it's okay to do a living by helping, but it is all in the how. In the how, you see whether it really is about helping.

  21. Totally,!!!!!Didn't think for one moment I would be in this place at this time of my life. Thank you for your advice. You are a true blessing 🙏

  22. He has done all this and more put all my stuff in the trash let all my cat's die he has the house the all the money the car's and he keeps putting off court hearing

  23. Totally. Something else they will do and you might of touched on it in this video is-They will mitigate an agreement and then do the exact opposite.

  24. I just completed my divorce. Spot on. Almost Everything you said happened in my divorce. We were successful in collaborative because I forced him to negotiate in front of an audience. So he didn’t want to look like the jerk. He wanted to look like the charming selfless guy he wants the world to view him to be. I used that as my leverage. We had a mediation and as we were drafting the agreement based largely on terms he offered, he claimed he didn’t understand the terms late in the evening. We finally came to an agreement because he was scared that I was going to expose him. That was my leverage. He wanted collaborative to keep it quiet. I made sure I had him pay a premium if privacy and secrecy were important to him. My additional advice would be is to make sure you hold them to every i and every T in the divorce decree you agree and vice versa- you need to comply with every word in the decree so he can’t hold anything over your head. Our divorce was final 2 weeks ago. Yesterday he removed something from the house that wasn’t on his list of things he was to receive. I noticed it was missing today. His response was “I thought I could have it”. I don’t particularly care about the item but I will be damned if I’m going to let him have it just because he “thought he could have it”. that’s his MO to get away with crap. But no more. I won’t give him permission to start the wheels in motion for bigger and bigger variances from the agreement. I am going to hold him to every comma and semi column in our 62 page document.

  25. I came across your YouTube channel. Because I'm searching for my different options. I did not have any idea that I came across a narc. Can I file a police report for have had received disturbing negative false accusations and manipulation over texting messaging. I have not engaged. I finally blocked him from my contacts because before I felt guilty because we do share children and there has to be some type of communication with our children and him. I'm at a lost and a little guidance would help.

  26. Totally ×100.
    This is them laughing and disrespecting justice system

    On top of it his lawyer is plaing dirty and along with him

    This like abuse on top of already existing abuse using justice system

    Unless like you said you have a lawyer that understands this pathology like you.

    Trust me you are one of the few in the entire Usa

    I only wish you took cases in Illinois

    Thank you for your dedication ! And sharing the knowledge

  27. Bought her book and see nothing about my case and I’m 2 months out and it’s all sunshine and roses about how we should value ourselves and I have done that self work. I need legal strategies.

  28. Totally. Your info is great, but what if I'm learning all this after the fact? Is there any way to make things right? I lost absoultly everything, out on the streets for almost 2 yrs now fighting all alone. He has an attorney I am now penalized paying outrageous fees while I was reaptadly denied literally everything. None of this makes sense. I'm deemed the worthless piece of crap. Nothing equalized or level. Didn't even get my own belongings I've had since childhood. Have no contact with my children and the therapist in charge of "reintergrating" me with them 15 months ago flat out disrespects me and refuses to even acknowledge the parenting plan as its clearly written. I motioned notifying the court plus other Violations by him and his lawyer over 5 months ago with no response. Only continued punishment. Help me please. I never got medication, negotiations of any sort and there definatly wasn't any 50/50 presumption to custody. In fact everything seems to have been predetermined at every turn. I never was heard or considered, his hear say false accusations was taken as fact and there's still bits I've yet to piece together why I was last to have heard. Decree was 8 months ago. They still pop up hammering on me last was 2 months. I'm homeless still, have no way for an attorney. My kids are severely aliengated, I've tracked to before 2015 noticeably. I had no idea what was happening so I took the blame. Now I learn I did everything you've stated NOT to. I reacted normal from all my research. Yet his narrative stands of me. I'm going insane racking my brain. I've done everything legal I can. I'm outta hope and about to lose my oldest daughter as she ages out in 2 weeks. My kids are being abused still and living a lie. I'm still shocked any of this stands. I gotta do something. There has to be consequences to this senseless crulety. I gotta save my girls. Now that I know whats happened here, yet I fear all too late. I can't, I cannot live with this much WRONG. I don't know what to do with all this. Please, any way I can rectify my life legally? I don't have what it'd take to seek justice on my own. I'm not made up for or possess the skills or have the contacts to successfully accomplish what'd need done. I'm disgusted by my lack of "momma bear protection" to save my children at all costs. What kind of chump am I? A failure I feel. Nice guys finish LAST for a reason I found.

  29. I wish I had someone like you to council me. No one understood. He did every trick you’ve mentioned. Classic. Textbook. CEO covert. 27 years of marriage.
    He’s got the big family house and my son (golden child) Me and my daughters are about to be homeless. My attorney was lax. 🙁

  30. Haha.. lol. I should not watch your videos before bed. It gets me all worked up, then I can't sleep for a while.. lmaoo 🤪

  31. This advices are also usefull for people getting ready to leave other type of toxic relationship with a narc.

  32. I am terrified of the divorce process with my Narc husband. I am retired & we live on his business income. We are not rich by any means. I supported him the first half of our marraige. Now he is. But it is COVID crazy out there. No places to live, etc.

  33. So my narc has failed to pay child support and turn over her discovery. She has also been ordered to my 3k to my attorney do to us having to file motions to compel and enforcements. My lawyer asked for her plea to be stricken and was denied the first time we went on the enforcement. We have filed another criminal content for child support and the enforcement she still hasn't complied with. What's the odds of the judge striking her plea this time around and is there anyway to get the information we have requested and the money she owes my attorney and the arrears?

  34. So I have just started this process and you are Totally 100% correct. Four weeks in to this process and already my soon to be ex is emailing my employer, coworkers and the local news papers with lies. I had to file a decimation suit to get her to stop. She filed for a protection order filled with lies to the point I had to subpoena videos from a local store to disprove the lies and spend lots of money on additional hearings. I’m not looking forward to the future drama. Your video helped !! Thanks for the video!

  35. Your videos are amazing! I have an order of protective heating on Friday. I’m nervous. My atty is going to send him a request for stipulated order (hearings are over the phone due to covid, I doubt he will. I’m so nervous and scared since I can only imagine what he will say. He is a PhD alcoholic chronic marijuana and coke user and an elementary scl principal. Chronic cheater pathological liar. He berated mentally and physically abused me. I’m worried about what he’s going to say during the hearing. Any recommendations for me. I’d so greatly appreciate it!

  36. Do you have any attorneys you would recommend? I live in Southern California (specifically Orange County). Right now legal aid is helping me with preparation of documents.

  37. I was so blessed that my ex screwed himself. Here once the respondent is served they have 30 days to respond. If they don’t the divorce proceeds as uncontested. My ex didn’t read the papers and didn’t respond. He claimed to my daughter that he was waiting to speak to a lawyer. The 30 days expired and the divorce was final just 2 months later. I bet he regrets not responding now! <insert evil laugh here>

  38. Totally. One thing i have thinking through all this though is do narcissist actually know how to love.

  39. This is like the sad 28 years that is my life story 🥺 I m in divorce process.. but nothing done! I want to leave I m so tired but I don’t know if I can .. I have a 15 years old daughter who wants to come with me 🙏🏻

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